I follow my guru with heart and devotion. It is because of him, I have started to look at life very differently, and this blog is meant to share what my experiences have been in the last few days..
This whole week (the jain paryushan mahaparv) has been a week of realization. A realization that we take most things granted around us. From the food we have to eat to the people we have around us. We have so many expectations from everything we do that when something does not happen the way we expect it to be, we dislike it and that makes us unhappy.
I assumed I could fast for 8 straight days. I have assumed that I can control my desire for food.
In the last few days, I’ve tried many ways of controlling my temptations. Starting with a fast. The combination of my mind, and the headache that I was starting to experience, It felt easier giving up on the decision I had made for myself. Although I was able to do this in the past, my body has gotten older and the very idea of going without food is a battle with desires of my mind. Most of the time, I lose.
I assumed that following a direction provided by my Guru was easy.
“Eat like a snake” he said. overtime one experiences anger and shows it on an individual with or without reason, that person (soul) binds karma that could lead him to a birth of a snake in the next birth. “To experience what it would feel when you are born as one, we should experience it now as a paschatap”…
A snake does not have hands..
It seemed easy when we did it for the first time he asked us to do that, because we were asked to only take the last bite without hands. It seemed easy to follow.
“I don’t have any desire for the food I will receive nor do I have an ego that will stop me from doing it” I said to myself.
I got angry yesterday, very loud arguments over nothing with family members. While it was not very long before I could gather some composure and feel sorry for what I had done, I had my Guru’s directions to follow.
Breakfast was easy, I had the food i liked in a portion that I could consume. Lunch, I could eat only a quarter of what I would eat normally… I tried to gather the courage to finish everything, but the body was rejecting it. Mind asking me to stop. I fought my mind but I stopped as soon as I experienced the sensations of vomiting.
I didn’t have the food I liked on the plate, nor did I have the comfort of using my hands.
Why was it so difficult? Was it because of the food or because of the way I was eating it? It was probably a combination of both. My mom had broken down the rotis into a much larger pieces so that I could eat easily. Without hands I was forced to feed myself the big pieces and because it wasn’t the food I liked, I had to swallow them.
We assume so many things about us, and every time nature finds a way to tell you that you are wrong. We take many things for granted around us. The hands we have, the legs that help us walk, the body that helps us get around, the people who support us in being able to lead happier lives. It’s a blessing I said to myself.
This birth. The people who surround us. The things we are able to do.. Mother earth. This universe. We have ill-treated everything we have, just because we are too busy to stop and look at what we are doing.
Take a moment. Say thank you for everything you have. Say sorry to everybody and everything you have not treated fairly.
I hope these feelings stay in my heart for long enough and help me become a better person. Thank you for reading.