A look in the mirror..
It’s Friday and what better way to start a day knowing that this is the last day of the week and tomorrow’s a holiday. Strangely, I wasn’t having this happy feeling this morning.
As i stood in front of my dresser getting ready for yet another day at office, I thought to myself – Aa badhu koni mate kare che? (Translation – Who am I doing all this for?). It’s not new to me, The thought comes to my mind almost daily, but it’s only gotten stronger in the last week. Why? I come to office everyday early in the morning, check my emails, If the client wants me to do anything that’s critical, I fix it! If not, I do what is planned for in the day. Then there are these coffee breaks and lunch breaks. And obviously a boring ride back home. What’s so special about my life? A thought that worries me the most.
Follow me into the blog as I discuss my life and dreams in general…
I used the words “Getting ready for yet another day”, I was hoping to use the words “Preparing for another interesting day” instead. But really, I can’t do that.. If i did it’s only being optimistic. Somewhere in the subconscious mind, I would have thought of that being impossible. I know that isn’t motivating enough, but there really isn’t any motivation to get that kind of energy going. I’m just one among the crowd when it comes to my life in general. I’m not a stand out at work, or socially. I’m just one among them! All these days, I was just taking it as a part of a so called ‘Happy Life’, a life where I don’t have to wake up worrying about something, a life when i can sleep peacefully and enjoy every single moment.
But all that has changed. For the last few weeks I have been self analysing. For starters, I never dreamt of being someone in life, being someone who had this special quality that people appreciated. I never have had this long term goal in life, I would just not have one because I have grown into being a sadist more than an optimist. I wouldn’t set a long term goal just because I didn’t want to be heart broken when that didn’t happen. Yes, that wasn’t enough motivation to get me started to where I was headed. I really don’t know where to go and what to be, but I want to be special.. special to someone or something may be.
Currently I feel like a blind man with a torch in broad day light! That’s what it is, making no sense, except for that I’m there! I want to change all that, but i don’t know how. I’m lost with no sense of direction to where my career or life was headed. Currently I’m only on a job, but have i made it a career? I doubt! I’m not complaining, but all this writing is helping me organize the thoughts, and may be they will help me channel it in the correct direction. Correct direction? I don’t know where that is.
I’m looking up to people who are successful in their life at their very young age, People who are determined about something! I’m trying to learn from them, the problem: I spend time with people who are no different to me. But what really makes people to want chase their dreams about being something, being that somebody in life except for that hard work and determination? Is there anything else that i need to know about? I want an identity, not just the name.. but a title, a title that will help me stand out.. if not for being popular, an inner sense of satisfaction that my life is not a waste, not dull, not boring!
My Mom wants me to get married and settle down. I might consider that, but would it change anything except for the sense of responsibility? May be that is the way forward, wanting to change something about your life to keep the other person happy. But that is untested territory and it could even back fire. There will be this day when I want to motivate my kids to chase their dreams, but if it’s not in me, they will end up just being another person in the crowd of billion others. Where should I start?
Lets start by setting up a target, something that I have always wanted to become. The only thing that i do passionately is Cricket! I just love the game because of the technicalities involved, you just want to learn everything and practise it to perfect it. I did tell my parents that i wanted to be a cricketer, but that was at age 20! At this age, all you want to become is what your mind tells you. and at this age, I would have had to work very hard to even make it to a junior league (At 20 – junior?) I never chose cricket and continued to be this shy, studious boy in school and college. Yes, i was shy, I wouldn’t talk to my classmates, specially girls. That probably explains my single status! Lets just not discuss personal life.. Moving on..
So with cricket out? now wait.. It’s in my blood.. I joined work with a software company that i currently work for, and then thanks to LVS i was introduced into the world of blogging. It became a passion to write, something that was even shocking to me. People appreciated my writing style, but all of these were friends or people that were not into blogging or writing. So i never got any criticism, except for the topics that i chose to write about. Then it occurred to me that I loved writing about cricket, it came naturally to me and I was good! (check out an old blog – Kunal Janu’s sports blog) I did it with a lot of passion!
(Update- Something that shows on the field and at all times, sometimes even in the worst forms as talking back to a team mate when it is absolutely required to stay as a team. I’m guilty of that, a quality of mine that i really have started hating! But it’s something that just happens!)
Now I dream of being a cricket commentator, or if not a writer.. A sports journalist may be.
Reality bytes, I’m here as a software engineer. A job that pays me quite well. Would my dream earn me money in any way? That’s the other thing you see… you want to support your family and that’s something that pulls you down.. So for now I’m only sticking to the blog for any sports writing. May be this is something post retirement. I will live for myself. As I wrote the last line, “What are you doing on weekends?” asked my subconscious mind. Yes, What am I doing? Why not perfect this? Yeah rite. With almost no guidance system, it’s hard to get there! I will try though. May be it’s time i realized my dream and that i become somebody in life.
It’s hard to get your mind stuck on something, I have this problem! My mom, and relatives want me to do an MBA, but can i afford for 2 years, only studies and no salary? I doubt. A part time MBA is on the mind too, but what’s a degree without any or zero learning! It’s a professional course and it has to be good.. Specially after my B.E which means nothing other than a degree that got me this job! I’m still undecided on the career front, but I now have a dream that I will try chasing as long as possible.
People who are able to earn money for what they have always wanted to become are lucky, and that happens to be only 2-5 percent of the population. May be that’s why I’m always unhappy with the hype Dhoni gets from the media. His passion was playing cricket, and now he does earning more than what film stars could do. Are you a person who is where you always wanted to be?
May be I’ll be seeing some people to help me guide both my career and dream. Lets hope that it is you! I always love to hear from my readers, so in case you happen to have some advice/ criticism, please do comment. It’s always important in life to leave a mark where ever you’ve been, so why not my blog! I’m expecting the most number of comments on this post, help me make it true. See you around.
PS: Just realized that I have crossed 50K reads, I’m at over 51k reads in fact. Now that’s an achievement. My Identity currently: I’m Kunal and I’m the owner of this blog!